I suppose I'm writing this in the form of a prayer, God. I am so frazzled right now. I left my house for work almost exactly 6 hours ago talking to you and telling you all of my frustrations. I was anticipating how I would write all this down as soon as I got to work. Then I get to work and all hell breaks loose and I become the victim of trying to handle problems here.

I KNOW that I am PMS'ing right now and that is playing a big part in how I feel I am sure. Sometimes it is just hard for me to handle things with Tom's job situation right now. I know, I know you are aware of all of it and that in your perfect timing things will work out. But my inside turn flips when I hear advertisements on the radio for upcoming Christmas events. I realize that Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy and excitment, but for me it is anxiety and distress over how we're going to make the 'secular' side of Christmas happen. Unfortunately, my kids are not the kind that you can say "now let's just get 3 gifts this year to be like the Wise Men"! They immediately want to know what version of the Bible I am using that specifically ONLY three. I can't help but get concerned when I think about the insurance that is supposed to 'end' as of December 31. I am managing to squeeze the remaining severance pay, and I know, God, that is because you are allowing little things to come through and pick up the slack. I am grateful, honest, even amidst all this griping. I am also struggling as you know with Tom being at home and seemingly doing nothing. I realize that HE thinks he is. Tom me, these are all things that are piddly and just 'busy work' to keep him from doing things that could help me. My instinct is deep resentment. It takes me back to our early days of marriage when you were trying to get his attention and keeping him laid off. Somehow it seemed easier to tolerate then, being a newlywed. Now, 23 years later it doesn't quite have the same effect. I accept that you are probably still teaching both of us things, but that doesn't make it any easier or more understood.

I have complained enough I'm sure. I expect that you are sitting on your Heavenly Throne propped up on your elbows nodding (since I know you never sleep) wondering when will I ever catch on. Thank you for just giving me this moment to be honest and vent. Help me today to get a glimpse of you at work in our life.